This First Time at a Funeral – What do I do? blog was going to be five succinct points when I started to plan it in my head. It has grown somewhat, so I have added short answers for those in a hurry and currently dashing around the house, cleaning shoes, and drinking coffee while trying to decide what to wear.
Don’t worry. Your First Time at a Funeral will be fine. I shall lead you through what to do.
Make sure you know the correct date, time, and location
This may sound obvious, but it’s the fear I have for every funeral I have done because funerals are not repeatable activities.
And, for a family member, we once arrived late.
To a packed funeral.
It was awkward.
So, double-check the details, and try to arrive 10-15 minutes early. At least this way, if your journey doesn’t go to plan, you will probably arrive on time. 😊
What do I wear?
SHORT ANSWER Clothes you would wear to the office or an interview in dark or muted colours, but unfortunately, this isn’t as straightforward as it used to be.
Traditionally, clothing choices have been conservative (loose fitting, high neckline, low hemline) and black in colour. This is still, in the main, true. Mourners tend to wear dark colours and do their best to look smart to show respect to the deceased and the ceremony.
However, more often nowadays, families and funeral arrangers are just glad that you are there.
I have seen people in work attire, including ID tags on lanyards; a postal worker who had just got off shift still in their uniform; and a construction worker in their work boots who looked like they had been allowed an hour or so to attend mid-shift.
Also, some families ask attendees to wear a particular colour. I have a growing selection of coloured belts I will wear with my black dress. I have seen men in specific tie colours while other funerals have had those in attendance in the deceased’s favourite sports team’s kit. However, wearing team colours or borrowing a shirt is possible rather than buying actual team wear.
So, check with the family or a close friend of the family (if that’s not you) to see if there are any special requests.
Your clothes should be weather-appropriate. Heating in religious buildings and crematoriums can be unreliable, so layers can be your friend, too.
If you are attending a burial, we live in Britain, so all weathers are possible, but the main thing is to wear sensible shoes.
Soft ground and grass can be unforgiving to stilettos, high heels, and certain types of shoe material like suede. Plus, the environment around the grave can be uneven and wobbly due to boards placed around the hole to protect the edges from caving in.
The funeral director warned me not to fall in the first burial I conducted. Those words have stuck with me when I choose my shoes and make me more aware of how I walk around the grave site, so I share the warning with you.
Should I take anything?
SHORT ANSWER – Tissues, money, water, umbrella, sympathy card.
Take a pack of tissues even if you don’t think you need them; you can always offer another person a tissue as it is kind, reassuring, and comforting.
Often, donations are collected at the end of a funeral, so easily accessed coins or notes can be handy if you want to/can afford to donate.
A bottle of water can be good, especially if you feel you may be overwhelmed. You can take a sip to help calm yourself.
If you would like to express your condolences more tangibly, then a sympathy card is a good choice, too.
And UK weather being what it is, an umbrella is always handy for rain or extreme sunshine.
NB Taking Children With You
Funerals usually happen during the week during work time hours, so it can be hard to find childcare. Don’t get stressed about bringing your child/children with you.
I have seen all ages at a funeral, from tiny babies to teens, so don’t feel weird or wrong about bringing your children. They might also want the opportunity to say their goodbyes. However, if you are taking children to a funeral, tell them what to expect. It is a quiet time. They may see adults crying or sobbing, or their favourite adults may behave in a way they don’t usually, such as seeming unfriendly.
Younger children might get bored or scared, so be prepared to quietly leave or step away from the ceremony to not distract others from what is happening. This goes for older children, too, who may find the extreme emotions and quiet around them hard to handle, so let them know it’s okay to step out.
How do I know when to go in and where to sit?
SHORT ANSWER – Listen carefully and go where you are told. Turn your phone off. Don’t take pictures.
Once you arrive at the venue, wait outside until you are directed to enter. Try not to talk too loudly, as a ceremony may already be underway, and you don’t want to disturb that.
At a crematorium, the order of entry usually is as follows:
- Celebrant or Religious Leader
- Funeral Director
- the coffin
- immediate family
- friends and extended family
Church funerals and other religious places invite mourners in first, then the coffin with immediate family in attendance entering next.
Burials mainly begin near the funeral gates or a main building within the cemetery grounds, and mourners follow the hearse to the burial site.
There will always be someone to tell you where to go – listen to them.
Once inside the ceremony building, the immediate family sit on the first few rows, and the rest of the seating is free choice. If the deceased was well-known or young, you may end up standing, so try to find a comfortable space.
Don’t eat or drink in the ceremony. Though, I think water is acceptable if you are quiet.
Do not film or take pictures without the express permission of the family, the funeral director, and the person doing the ceremony.
Pet Peeve: Turn your phone off or at least on to silent. If you have to take a call – quietly leave and answer outside, out of earshot.
NB If you arrive late to a building, a funeral director is usually nearby to stealthily get you in or direct you to watch on television from outside the ceremony.
If you are late to a burial and can’t see the ceremony, visit the cemetery office or find a staff member to direct you.
Ask them to take you there on larger sites – some cemeteries are enormous, so getting lost is easier than you think.
Do I have to join in?
SHORT ANSWER – No, but be respectful.
Many ceremonies involve singing or prayers or a quiet moment of reflection. You don’t have to do anything you are uncomfortable doing, but remember the ceremony is not about you, so standing when everyone else does (if you can comfortably and physically do that) is polite.
You don’t have to join in with the singing or prayers. Many choose to remain silent when the singing happens or mime, and you can sit quietly through a prayer.
What should I say?
SHORT ANSWER – I am sorry for your loss.
Ah, less is more at this time. We want to say something that will make the sad person feel better or make everything okay.
You can’t because we can’t bring people back from the dead, and that’s pretty much the only way the sad will go away. So, keep it simple. Phrases such as:
- I am sorry for your loss
- —- was such a lovely/funny/kind/talented person. They are going to be missed.
- I am/We are thinking of you.
- If you need anything, call me. (BUT ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT)
How do I know when to leave?
SHORT ANSWER – when you are told.
At the end of the ceremony in a building, the funeral director or person giving the funeral will direct the family to leave first, and once they have gone, the rows behind them begin to empty.
At a burial, extended family and friends leave first and let the immediate family have a moment at the graveside.
What happens straight after the funeral?
Unless you are told otherwise, many families will have arranged for refreshments at a meaningful venue or go to a local pub to share stories about the deceased and/or catch up with rarely-seen relatives and friends.
Attendance is entirely personal and will depend on your schedule.
If you go, do not get drunk. This is still part of the funeral, though a more relaxed atmosphere, so don’t be that person.
Can I take pictures or post on social media?
SHORT ANSWER – No.
Although funeral photography and videography are becoming more common, along with streaming ceremonies for those who couldn’t be at the funeral in person, taking pictures before, during, or after the ceremony is generally frowned upon unless you have explicit permission from the immediate family.
This goes the same for social media posts, too. I realise many people live through social media. If there’s no post, then it didn’t happen, but unless you have very obvious explicit permission from the closest connections to the deceased, just put your phone away and use your eyes, ears, nose, and other senses to make memories you can share with words at a later date.
Anything else?
SHORT ANSWER – I don’t think so but message me if you think of something.
What might be helpful if you are close to those who have just lost their loved one is to make sure you stay in touch. People tend to be overwhelmed with offers of help and visitors when the death first happens. However, it’s the weeks after when reality sets in, and there are fewer distractions to hold grief at bay when your friend or relative will appreciate a friendly shoulder/ear/shopper/sorter/bringer of takeaway or bottle of something. Even if you aren’t close to that person, a kind text message to check how they are doing is thoughtful.
Final Thoughts
It can be scary doing something for the first time, especially your first time at a funeral. So, arrive a little early, follow instructions, and turn your phone off. You’ll be grand. And if it does get too much – leave. People will understand.
Take care,
Sarah x
